she woke up with a sticky ear
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize