just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
