he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
