You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
