I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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