Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
whose parrot is this?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
