Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
