is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There's always time for handjobs
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
