my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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