Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Rumble strips road head = magical
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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