; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
there is puke in my bra ... again
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
