I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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