You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize