You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize