I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
you never un-have a 4some
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
