he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
