Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
