I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
