I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
