Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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