Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
