So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
