so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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