no one should ever give us hovercrafts
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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