I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
