It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
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