Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
