She is in my trunk
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I look better un-naked...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
