The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
