the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
