why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
