Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
