is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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