I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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