he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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