After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
