make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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