So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
