I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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