i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
