I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
