I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
