My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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