so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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