you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
