Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
