Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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