I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize