Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
