Welp...herpes.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
