You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize