Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
