i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize