currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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