Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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