I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
