Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
