Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
