I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
