You can't special order awesome
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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