Are we in a gay sports bar?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
