I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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