bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
