she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
