i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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